In Which it Has Been a Few Days

Sooooooooo it's been a few days. I guess I've been preoccupied with other things, but don't worry; they weren't things you'd miss hearing about.

I'm pretty sleepy right now actually. Well, my eyes are tired. I don't know about me. As usual.

The housing authority finally came and did their annual inspection. I was told I need to wipe out the refrigerator,  but everything else is just fine. They'll be back sometime next week to check that. Goodie.

Oh! I made my son a stocking hat. The hat making itself was relatively easy. He's a few months over a year old and I used the pattern for size 12mth-36mth...
Yeehhhh.....  I had to add extra length beyond the pattern because the hat was too damn small. My son has a big head. Anyway, it's pretty cute I think. I just wish I had used the the next size up. He won't be able to wear this thing next winter. I was thinking of just using it as his holiday stocking next year so it doesn't go to waste.

Umm. Don't really have much else to say I guess, so... here's a pic of the hat! Goodnight!

This was before I added the extra length.

In Which I Don't Know

I just feel... longing?
I don't know.
I think about the people with trouble in this world and I get very emotional.  It just hits me sometimes. But I'm ok I guess. Just... longing?

I don't think I have anything else to say about that. I can't seem to conjure up the words from the pit they swim in.

Ugh. Here's a longing goodnight.

In Which I Ought to Get Out of My Head

Long deep breath.
Siiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

When I'm alone or left to myself, my mind goes to deep deep places and it's like I almost get stuck there. Just minutes ago as I was cleaning up a bit, I said out loud everything that was on my mind right then. It was kind of like this:

Ok. I need to pick up Cohen's toys, take out the trash, the recycling truck still hasn't shown up, and do the dishes. I wish housing would say when they were coming. I really don't feel like doing the dishes but if they show up in the morning,  they're going to bitch about the sink having dishes in it.

This sucks because this is the first night in weeks where I feel like I could go to sleep right now. I haven't been getting to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning and then waking up again around 8 or 9 for Cohen. I'm typically exhausted.

I thought I had more to say about all of this. I know I did, but I need to do the dishes so I'm going to go do that, and then get something to eat. Then bed. I hope. If I think of the rest, I'll come back to this.

I need a therapist,  I think. I think I think too much. And separation anxiety is a bitch.

In Which I Feel a Little Better

I'm starting to feel lifted. It's not a whole lot, but I don't feel as weighted as I usually do. I'm not sure what that is. 
I'm not sure what it is that causes the weight. I get depressed when I think about little things, like not having a job and having very little money. It's almost always been that way.

There was one job i had for 3 months (they closed down) that paid wonderfully. Twice a month I'd get a paycheck for about 900$. Sometimes it was a little more, sometimes a little less. I just recently started developing a maturity for money. It had always been "if I wants it, I buys it". If that meant paying the bills a week late, sobeit. I also denied paying student loans. My thought was why spend 50 bucks on something I'll never see again when I can use it to get someone a gift, or use it to make the crappy apartment look nice? That got me nowhere I needed to be. 

And I've always been in and out with jobs. I work for a while and then I quit, go find something else to do. My last job lasted for a year and was good until I got tored of all the hokey reign-tightening. The company moved into a bigger, much nicer building and all of a sudden there were hidden rules about this and that and it was a lot of petty shit.

My first job was at KB Toys and I was there 2 years, then they went out of business. They had some stupid rules too, but I had friends that worked there and they didn't treat me like I didn't know what I was doing. I was almost an assistant manager but I was 17 and needed to be 18. That was a few months away, so they hired someone else because they couldn't wait.

I've been job-hopping ever since.

Ultimately,  I'm kind of alright just staying home and taking care of my son. Jobs have stupid politics and I can only avoid or ignore them for so long. They start filling my head after a while and then I get so frustrated with how nonsensical it all is and how much of a joke most people are that I quit. I wake up one morning, lay there until it's almost too late to get ready, and bam; just like that I don't go in. There was one time where I made it all the way to the parking lot and sat in my car for about 30 minutes trying to convince myself to go in. I left, got some breakfast and went home. It's a horrible pattern.

Some people have said that you have to take these things lightly.  

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to just disregard things I don't agree with when it comes down to work ethic, equality, and wages. I worked with a guy who started maybe 4 months before I did. He started in a different department and made 25 cents more an hour than I did. By the time I started, he was moved to the department I started in because he wasn't good at his job in the other department, but the department he got moved to made 25cents less an hour than where he started. They didn't adjust his wages. So I start there and after about 8 months, he almost gets fired because his quality was poor and he wasn't timelynin getting his work turned in. I, on the other hand, had good quality and was very timely on getting things done, yet he was still making 25cents more an hour. To top that off,  I was told that I'd be lucky to get a 100$ bonus for Christmas because of my attendance record (absences had excuses and were mostly doctor appointments for my son or housing appointments). That guy got a 500$ bonus. Please tell me how that's right.

Anyway, I guess a lot of the weight feels like it comes from not living as society would maybe prefer or expect. I seem to run against the grain amd that has shown a lot of difficulties. 

I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet. 

In Which I Did Something Great

Ok ok. So maybe for some of you, charitable deeds aren't anything new or amazing,  but I say whether it's your first or fiftieth charitable deed, it's great.

I successfully crocheted a spiderman doll (thank you nerdygurumi) and sent it to A Very Special Case for his birthday. It should arrive tomorrow. I'm so excited!

And I made the bracelet on my wrist from the same yarn I used for Case's Spiderman. 

<3

In Which I Cried for a Different Reason

Gary had to leave.

We live in public housing and he had moved out a while ago when we were going through trouble. Then things got better and he has been staying with me ever since. But it's against the rules.

There's a reminder in this month's newletter that the housing authority has been receiving a lot of complaints about people who don't live here & how they're staying here for longer than the allotted "14 days a year" (that rule is so stupid). My inspection is also this month (they don't tell you exactly when) and he can't be found here. Hopefully they don't review the tapes on the security cameras and find out he's been staying since August. Ugh.

Oh yeh... if we're caught, it's an automatic eviction, no matter the circumstances.

I know the rules. And if he wants to live here, I can't just update the income info and the lease. He has to re-apply to live here, even though he'd be moving in with me. And that process usually takes months.

The rules are stupid.

He went to go stay with a friend across town. He works in 2 hours, so he'll be there til 9 or so. He said he's thinking of coming back over after work and leaving late tonight for his friend's place.

I fucking hope so.

In Which I Spoke in Tears

I was sitting on my couch scrolling through my newsfeed, and it happened.  I saw a page that a friend liked. It was one of those sick child pages, where the family makes a page and posts updates of the child's well-being.  I don't ever like those, but this one... Something abiut it made it very very real. It hit me like a box of bricks.

I read the description and thought, "wow. There is a lot wrong here. This poor boy."

And then I saw the pictures of his beautifully happy face, and those pictures reminded me of my son, and I cried. I cried and cried, and then I buried my face in the blanket so I wouldn't wake up my fiance, and cried some more.

He'll be 3 years old December 21st of this year, and he only weighs 19lbs. My 1yr old already weighs near 30. This boy has a feeding tube that goes right into his digestive tract, and it stays there for most of the day. He has a narrow throat which I suspect is what causes the hyperactive gag reflex. I also guess that's why he doesn't weigh so much.

I want to make him a Spiderman doll for his birthday this year. The family has posted the address and has encouraged everyone to send something. He really likes superheroes. 

Should you feel compelled to read about him, to look in on him and see how he's doing, to send him something,  this is the link to the page:

http://www.facebook.com/AVerySpecialCase