In Which I Tried to Not Suppress Happiness

I went to an intake appointment today for my anxiety/depression. I feel positive about it & am hoping it yields good results.

Over the past few days, I've had small uprisings of positivity and just an overall happy feeling. I haven't felt anything like that in many years.

I've also been reading a lot lately,  and since my birthday is Saturday, I ordered myself the next book in my Mitford collection. I'm pretty excited about that!

As far as anything else goes, well, it's all about the same as it has been. My brother's girlfriend has decided to see someone else though, and that makes for a very juicy post, but maybe I'll go into that later; right now I just want to read.
I even organized the bookshelf from books I've already read to the ones I haven't yet.

Bye for now.

In Which I Debate Saying This to a Former Friend

"You know, you were never a great person. You may be great in your boyfriend's or fiance's (or whatever he is) life, but you weren't great in mine.
You tried to deceive me by posing as one of my other friends by writing me a note in 7th grade that was supposedly from her, saying that she didn't want to be friends anymore because we just didn't have that much in common and really just weren't that good of friends. That was a joke. The only reason you wrote that was because she wasn't popular and was dorky and your way cooler friends talked you into it. What were you trying to do? Save me from the dork squad? I'd much rather be friends with her any day after the shit I put up with from you. And I'm glad I decided finally to abandon ship.

"My mom did her best to provide for us. And now I know that she did things for you because she wanted me to be happy and not disappointed.
Remember the Starlight Ball in 8th grade? There was a shop downtown called Nancy's Rags to Riches. We found nice dresses there to wear to the ball. Yours was more expensive than mine, and I asked my mom if she could pay for yours because you didn't have one, and we all knew you wouldn't be getting one because your dad was a tightwad douchebag and your mom was too lazy to leave the couch. So she did, and you promised and promised that your mom would pay mine back. We even called her and asked to make sure. Well she never did. And when you were old enough, you never did either. This was everything with you and your family. We'd pick you up from your dad's because he had kicked you out for the 8 millionth time.  We'd pick you up to stay with me when you were at your mom's and fighting with her. We'd even take you home. We'd take your mom places she needed to go, and only twice out of all those occasions did we receive the gas money we were promised. Twice. And nothing was ever made right for it by you or your family.

"Remember Jada, that mean cat you had that needed a temporary place to live because you couldn't keep her at your mom's anymore? Well you abandoned her with me and my boyfriend of the time. You came over to hang out once after dropping her off with us, and it was awkward and you acted irritated the whole time. You got mad at me for driving around because it wasn't what you wanted to do. You had other plans and I was interfering with them. I had asked you if you wanted to come with me to go hang out at another friend's house. You mentioned nothing about having other plans, and then got mad after not speaking up and saying anything after we had been there for about 2 hours.

"So, because it has been so many years and I've had all of these thoughts about you for so many years, I'm letting it all go. Officially, right here. I saw you not too long ago, driving your brand new Jeep with your man and your little dog. You've gained a lot of weight. There was a nice guy you dated in college who tried so hard to get you on a regular workout schedule and a healthier eating plan. You just bitched that he was being so rude. It would have done you a world of good to have listened to him. But you never listened much to anyone that was close to you.

"So anyway,  off the face of the earth you go. I don't want these thoughts consuming space in my head any more when I need that space for much better things. I'm letting you go; letting it go. And I forgive you for all of those things you did and I only hope you're actually a better person now.

"Goodbye once-friend. I sincerely hope we never meet again."

In Which it Has Been a Few Days

Sooooooooo it's been a few days. I guess I've been preoccupied with other things, but don't worry; they weren't things you'd miss hearing about.

I'm pretty sleepy right now actually. Well, my eyes are tired. I don't know about me. As usual.

The housing authority finally came and did their annual inspection. I was told I need to wipe out the refrigerator,  but everything else is just fine. They'll be back sometime next week to check that. Goodie.

Oh! I made my son a stocking hat. The hat making itself was relatively easy. He's a few months over a year old and I used the pattern for size 12mth-36mth...
Yeehhhh.....  I had to add extra length beyond the pattern because the hat was too damn small. My son has a big head. Anyway, it's pretty cute I think. I just wish I had used the the next size up. He won't be able to wear this thing next winter. I was thinking of just using it as his holiday stocking next year so it doesn't go to waste.

Umm. Don't really have much else to say I guess, so... here's a pic of the hat! Goodnight!

This was before I added the extra length.

In Which I Don't Know

I just feel... longing?
I don't know.
I think about the people with trouble in this world and I get very emotional.  It just hits me sometimes. But I'm ok I guess. Just... longing?

I don't think I have anything else to say about that. I can't seem to conjure up the words from the pit they swim in.

Ugh. Here's a longing goodnight.

In Which I Should Sleep Now

I should really just go to sleep. Gary's fallen asleep beside me, and I'm just laying here. No tv on... Just me and my Galaxy S3. I'd be lost without the thing.

I finally succumbed and downloaded that damn Candy Crush game, and while I still don't understand all the hype about it, it's great for passing time or when you're laying awake in bed, too depressed to sleep.

I could probably start by turning off some of the lights... maybe. Or maybe I'll just finally nod off with them on. Egh.

I do wish I had an extra 8$ for our Netflix account. Watching something is a great anxiety reliever. Well, it's more of a distraction.  Running is a good reliever.

Speaking of running,  I also decided that instead of doing that Running 4 Babies thing, I could do Burpees for Babies. If you don't know what a Burpee is, it's a combination jump-squat-pushup thing. And if you still don't know, Google it. I'm too out-of-mind to post a link. Maybe I'll insert a link tomorrow if I remember (probably won't).

Alright. I'm done for now...

In Which I Have a Terrible Headache.

Today was terrible. 

Gary and I had a terrible argument. It started with a small comment and I overreacted with my hormonal bullshit. Sometimes I really hate being a girl.

I guess I don't really feel like diving into it much. I'm pretty beat up about it. It just ended up reinforcing my hidden thoughts about how much I suck.

Certain things about me just aren't the same anymore.  My feelings show more than they used to. I'm not as tough (physically) as I used to be. I have weird stipulations about certain things that I never used to have a problem with.

Maybe I'm just trying to have control over my life, or part of it.

I think I've been traumatized. Maybe I'm trying to make it worse than it was. Maybe it really was that bad and I've been suppressing that. I don't know.

But we had a huge stupid fight and I don't like myself any better for it, and if he comes back tonight, he's probably going to want to talk about it and I don't want to. I'm emotionally tired and I have a very terrible headache.

In Which I am not Anxious.

My head feels better today. It probably had to do with sleeping. Went to bed at 1 this morning instead of 3.

I had a sudden happy moment today. It was the peak. My brother and I went grocery shopping and of course before we got there, we stopped at Home Depot. They have those nice sheds which can be totally livable if you know what you're doing. We both want something like that. As we stood in one, we discussed where to put the loft for sleeping, and how to arrange a couch & table to accomodate a woodstove. It was awesome.

The one we were in looked basically like this.

We continued on to walmart and did the grocery shopping and he brought me home. I had bought some scented pine cones at the store and put them around the apartment (smells really good in here now). I dug out some small holiday decorations and put them up on a stand; I'm not putting up the tree this year because I have no room for it.

I guess after making and sending that doll, and then buying cinnamon scented pine cones & decorating, I feel pretty good. I feel a little better about myself and not so... I dunno. Not so... closed up I guess.

Oh. Gary was here all day today, which was awesome. I woke up to him knocking at the door this morning. 

Here's a goodnight picture of Cohen & I snacking on animal crackers before bed.

In Which I Ought to Get Out of My Head

Long deep breath.
Siiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

When I'm alone or left to myself, my mind goes to deep deep places and it's like I almost get stuck there. Just minutes ago as I was cleaning up a bit, I said out loud everything that was on my mind right then. It was kind of like this:

Ok. I need to pick up Cohen's toys, take out the trash, the recycling truck still hasn't shown up, and do the dishes. I wish housing would say when they were coming. I really don't feel like doing the dishes but if they show up in the morning,  they're going to bitch about the sink having dishes in it.

This sucks because this is the first night in weeks where I feel like I could go to sleep right now. I haven't been getting to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning and then waking up again around 8 or 9 for Cohen. I'm typically exhausted.

I thought I had more to say about all of this. I know I did, but I need to do the dishes so I'm going to go do that, and then get something to eat. Then bed. I hope. If I think of the rest, I'll come back to this.

I need a therapist,  I think. I think I think too much. And separation anxiety is a bitch.

In Which I Feel a Little Better

I'm starting to feel lifted. It's not a whole lot, but I don't feel as weighted as I usually do. I'm not sure what that is. 
I'm not sure what it is that causes the weight. I get depressed when I think about little things, like not having a job and having very little money. It's almost always been that way.

There was one job i had for 3 months (they closed down) that paid wonderfully. Twice a month I'd get a paycheck for about 900$. Sometimes it was a little more, sometimes a little less. I just recently started developing a maturity for money. It had always been "if I wants it, I buys it". If that meant paying the bills a week late, sobeit. I also denied paying student loans. My thought was why spend 50 bucks on something I'll never see again when I can use it to get someone a gift, or use it to make the crappy apartment look nice? That got me nowhere I needed to be. 

And I've always been in and out with jobs. I work for a while and then I quit, go find something else to do. My last job lasted for a year and was good until I got tored of all the hokey reign-tightening. The company moved into a bigger, much nicer building and all of a sudden there were hidden rules about this and that and it was a lot of petty shit.

My first job was at KB Toys and I was there 2 years, then they went out of business. They had some stupid rules too, but I had friends that worked there and they didn't treat me like I didn't know what I was doing. I was almost an assistant manager but I was 17 and needed to be 18. That was a few months away, so they hired someone else because they couldn't wait.

I've been job-hopping ever since.

Ultimately,  I'm kind of alright just staying home and taking care of my son. Jobs have stupid politics and I can only avoid or ignore them for so long. They start filling my head after a while and then I get so frustrated with how nonsensical it all is and how much of a joke most people are that I quit. I wake up one morning, lay there until it's almost too late to get ready, and bam; just like that I don't go in. There was one time where I made it all the way to the parking lot and sat in my car for about 30 minutes trying to convince myself to go in. I left, got some breakfast and went home. It's a horrible pattern.

Some people have said that you have to take these things lightly.  

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to just disregard things I don't agree with when it comes down to work ethic, equality, and wages. I worked with a guy who started maybe 4 months before I did. He started in a different department and made 25 cents more an hour than I did. By the time I started, he was moved to the department I started in because he wasn't good at his job in the other department, but the department he got moved to made 25cents less an hour than where he started. They didn't adjust his wages. So I start there and after about 8 months, he almost gets fired because his quality was poor and he wasn't timelynin getting his work turned in. I, on the other hand, had good quality and was very timely on getting things done, yet he was still making 25cents more an hour. To top that off,  I was told that I'd be lucky to get a 100$ bonus for Christmas because of my attendance record (absences had excuses and were mostly doctor appointments for my son or housing appointments). That guy got a 500$ bonus. Please tell me how that's right.

Anyway, I guess a lot of the weight feels like it comes from not living as society would maybe prefer or expect. I seem to run against the grain amd that has shown a lot of difficulties. 

I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet. 

In Which I Need to Sleep

Exactly that. Why am I in reverse in the winter? My body functions tiredly at night, but better than in the day.
I'm putting everything down now....

In Which I Did Something Great

Ok ok. So maybe for some of you, charitable deeds aren't anything new or amazing,  but I say whether it's your first or fiftieth charitable deed, it's great.

I successfully crocheted a spiderman doll (thank you nerdygurumi) and sent it to A Very Special Case for his birthday. It should arrive tomorrow. I'm so excited!

And I made the bracelet on my wrist from the same yarn I used for Case's Spiderman. 

<3

In Which I Cried for a Different Reason

Gary had to leave.

We live in public housing and he had moved out a while ago when we were going through trouble. Then things got better and he has been staying with me ever since. But it's against the rules.

There's a reminder in this month's newletter that the housing authority has been receiving a lot of complaints about people who don't live here & how they're staying here for longer than the allotted "14 days a year" (that rule is so stupid). My inspection is also this month (they don't tell you exactly when) and he can't be found here. Hopefully they don't review the tapes on the security cameras and find out he's been staying since August. Ugh.

Oh yeh... if we're caught, it's an automatic eviction, no matter the circumstances.

I know the rules. And if he wants to live here, I can't just update the income info and the lease. He has to re-apply to live here, even though he'd be moving in with me. And that process usually takes months.

The rules are stupid.

He went to go stay with a friend across town. He works in 2 hours, so he'll be there til 9 or so. He said he's thinking of coming back over after work and leaving late tonight for his friend's place.

I fucking hope so.

In Which I Spoke in Tears

I was sitting on my couch scrolling through my newsfeed, and it happened.  I saw a page that a friend liked. It was one of those sick child pages, where the family makes a page and posts updates of the child's well-being.  I don't ever like those, but this one... Something abiut it made it very very real. It hit me like a box of bricks.

I read the description and thought, "wow. There is a lot wrong here. This poor boy."

And then I saw the pictures of his beautifully happy face, and those pictures reminded me of my son, and I cried. I cried and cried, and then I buried my face in the blanket so I wouldn't wake up my fiance, and cried some more.

He'll be 3 years old December 21st of this year, and he only weighs 19lbs. My 1yr old already weighs near 30. This boy has a feeding tube that goes right into his digestive tract, and it stays there for most of the day. He has a narrow throat which I suspect is what causes the hyperactive gag reflex. I also guess that's why he doesn't weigh so much.

I want to make him a Spiderman doll for his birthday this year. The family has posted the address and has encouraged everyone to send something. He really likes superheroes. 

Should you feel compelled to read about him, to look in on him and see how he's doing, to send him something,  this is the link to the page:

http://www.facebook.com/AVerySpecialCase