In Which I Have a Terrible Headache.

Today was terrible. 

Gary and I had a terrible argument. It started with a small comment and I overreacted with my hormonal bullshit. Sometimes I really hate being a girl.

I guess I don't really feel like diving into it much. I'm pretty beat up about it. It just ended up reinforcing my hidden thoughts about how much I suck.

Certain things about me just aren't the same anymore.  My feelings show more than they used to. I'm not as tough (physically) as I used to be. I have weird stipulations about certain things that I never used to have a problem with.

Maybe I'm just trying to have control over my life, or part of it.

I think I've been traumatized. Maybe I'm trying to make it worse than it was. Maybe it really was that bad and I've been suppressing that. I don't know.

But we had a huge stupid fight and I don't like myself any better for it, and if he comes back tonight, he's probably going to want to talk about it and I don't want to. I'm emotionally tired and I have a very terrible headache.

In Which I Ought to Get Out of My Head

Long deep breath.
Siiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

When I'm alone or left to myself, my mind goes to deep deep places and it's like I almost get stuck there. Just minutes ago as I was cleaning up a bit, I said out loud everything that was on my mind right then. It was kind of like this:

Ok. I need to pick up Cohen's toys, take out the trash, the recycling truck still hasn't shown up, and do the dishes. I wish housing would say when they were coming. I really don't feel like doing the dishes but if they show up in the morning,  they're going to bitch about the sink having dishes in it.

This sucks because this is the first night in weeks where I feel like I could go to sleep right now. I haven't been getting to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning and then waking up again around 8 or 9 for Cohen. I'm typically exhausted.

I thought I had more to say about all of this. I know I did, but I need to do the dishes so I'm going to go do that, and then get something to eat. Then bed. I hope. If I think of the rest, I'll come back to this.

I need a therapist,  I think. I think I think too much. And separation anxiety is a bitch.

In Which I Need to Sleep

Exactly that. Why am I in reverse in the winter? My body functions tiredly at night, but better than in the day.
I'm putting everything down now....