I'm not sure what it is that causes the weight. I get depressed when I think about little things, like not having a job and having very little money. It's almost always been that way.
There was one job i had for 3 months (they closed down) that paid wonderfully. Twice a month I'd get a paycheck for about 900$. Sometimes it was a little more, sometimes a little less. I just recently started developing a maturity for money. It had always been "if I wants it, I buys it". If that meant paying the bills a week late, sobeit. I also denied paying student loans. My thought was why spend 50 bucks on something I'll never see again when I can use it to get someone a gift, or use it to make the crappy apartment look nice? That got me nowhere I needed to be.
And I've always been in and out with jobs. I work for a while and then I quit, go find something else to do. My last job lasted for a year and was good until I got tored of all the hokey reign-tightening. The company moved into a bigger, much nicer building and all of a sudden there were hidden rules about this and that and it was a lot of petty shit.
My first job was at KB Toys and I was there 2 years, then they went out of business. They had some stupid rules too, but I had friends that worked there and they didn't treat me like I didn't know what I was doing. I was almost an assistant manager but I was 17 and needed to be 18. That was a few months away, so they hired someone else because they couldn't wait.
I've been job-hopping ever since.
Ultimately, I'm kind of alright just staying home and taking care of my son. Jobs have stupid politics and I can only avoid or ignore them for so long. They start filling my head after a while and then I get so frustrated with how nonsensical it all is and how much of a joke most people are that I quit. I wake up one morning, lay there until it's almost too late to get ready, and bam; just like that I don't go in. There was one time where I made it all the way to the parking lot and sat in my car for about 30 minutes trying to convince myself to go in. I left, got some breakfast and went home. It's a horrible pattern.
Some people have said that you have to take these things lightly.
I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to just disregard things I don't agree with when it comes down to work ethic, equality, and wages. I worked with a guy who started maybe 4 months before I did. He started in a different department and made 25 cents more an hour than I did. By the time I started, he was moved to the department I started in because he wasn't good at his job in the other department, but the department he got moved to made 25cents less an hour than where he started. They didn't adjust his wages. So I start there and after about 8 months, he almost gets fired because his quality was poor and he wasn't timelynin getting his work turned in. I, on the other hand, had good quality and was very timely on getting things done, yet he was still making 25cents more an hour. To top that off, I was told that I'd be lucky to get a 100$ bonus for Christmas because of my attendance record (absences had excuses and were mostly doctor appointments for my son or housing appointments). That guy got a 500$ bonus. Please tell me how that's right.
Anyway, I guess a lot of the weight feels like it comes from not living as society would maybe prefer or expect. I seem to run against the grain amd that has shown a lot of difficulties.
I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet.
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