After I calmed down a bit last night, Tommy and I had a 2 hour chat. I learned things that I didn't know about and so did he. I had no idea he was at the women's shelter with us when mom took me and her there. Joe was there too, for a night. I didn't remember that either. I guess I wasn't alone there as I thought I was.
I only remember 3 things about that place:
The bunk beds, the small boxes we had for cereal in the morning, and the little playground area where mom would tell me not to go too close to the fence because "you-know-who"might be on the other side.
I've come to realize that I feel incredibly abandoned. I feel tired of being the strength; tired of being the one to hold everybody, and myself, up. I don't want to do that right now. I want my turn. I want someone to completely take care of me and never leave. And that can't happen. Life just doesn't work like that. So I have to equip myself to keep moving on.
My parents separated when I was 3; the divorce process went on for about 4 years. My mom hated my dad and told me lies about him (didn't know they were lies until I grew up). I was separated from my brothers, one of which I am still incredibly close to.
My mom met someone else, and then a week after they married, he died. He was good for her, for us. Before all that, we moved around a few times. And then after that, we moved again with mom's dead husband's brother. Jim wanted him to take care of us. It just got worse.
We moved to Florida, and it was gorgeous. But things got messed up somehow. We did stuff. They got a boat. We were always at the beach, but then a year in, stuff changed. Lewis didn't pay the rent one time so mom took my money I had saved in a coffee can. I had nearly 400$. I was 11 or 12.
Then we moved up to PA. Lewis left us, declaring that we treated him like shit and tried to take our computer. We got that back though. Haven't heard from him or seen him since 2002.
Anyway. I guess talking about all that stuff helped because afterward I just wanted to go to sleep. It was already 3 in the morning. And today I don't so much feel anxious as I do depressed. I feel understandably depressed.
Every 6 years or so, I go through bad fits of separation anxiety. And it's that time again. I hope when I schedule for my appointment Monday that it's in the very near future. I feel like I'm onto something and need to get to the bottom of it quick.
No comments:
Post a Comment